love was the law, religion was taught

by Dylan Sarandos

I knew when I first saw Vivian, she was the girl I wanted to marry. The only issue is we only existed together within the walls of this camp. Mountain's End Conversion Camp. * She walked down the corridor with a certain air about her, like nobody could touch her, not even something as sinister as the devil. She made everyone turn their head, the counselors, the girls, the priest. She ignored the glares, rolled her eyes at the whispers, and grinned at the awe-struck faces. Her hair was deep red, her face scattered with freckles. When I first saw her, she wore a satin blue V-neck button-down shirt, with bracelets filling every inch of her wrist, and silver rings covering her fingers. I knew why we were sent here, but as hard as I tried to look away, the longer I wanted to stare at her. I couldn't stop. This feeling, how could it be a sin? How could it be wrong? I don’t understand, and I don’t think I ever will. We had been there for four days, and every night she came into the bunk room and laughed, even in that awful place that felt more and more like an asylum by each passing minute. She would mimic the priest, retelling his sermons in a scratchy, irritating voice. Maybe it's unethical, but I couldn’t stop from giggling at it. Her deep voice hit my ears perfectly, her smile lighting up the dark room. She somehow managed to make those days better. On the seventh day, she finally noticed me. Her dark green eyes met mine, and her smile fell right off her face. Instead, her face filled with what I could only describe as lust, a smirk forming. My breath stopped short in my chest, and all I could do was give a short smile before pushing into an empty room and taking in a gust of air. The next day, she cornered me at the end of the hallway. “Hey there,” her raspy voice filled my ear, and a pounding spread to the tips of my body. “Hi.” “What's your name?” “Erm, it’s Aster.” “Like the flower?” “Yeah.” “That's beautiful.” * After that, we became inseparable. We were one. We were asked where the other was when found alone. I felt I couldn't exist without her near me. We sat with our knees and shoes touching after the counselors did their sessions, she held me while I cried about wanting to go home, even if she knew that home was what sent me here. I covered her ears when a girl would scream down the hall. We protected each other against the fights that occurred. We snuck into each other's bunks at night, just to hold each other. I could never tell where I began, and she ended. I’d like to think we would’ve sacrificed ourselves for the other. Died for each other. Vivian was intoxicating. I was always drunk on her but still could never get enough. She would run her fingers down my arm, just enough for the counselors to think we were friends, but enough to send shivers down my spine. Then again, everything she did made that happen. On the day I was left out in the snow, Vivian found and carried me back inside, caressing my hair and running a hot bath. I felt nothing but love for her, but shame runs deeper. Through chattering teeth, I managed, “Vivian, you don't have to do that. I can-” “You should just call me Viv by now.” “You don't let anyone call you that.” “You aren't just anyone.” I let her help me after that. * 52 days in, she pulled me into an empty stairway and kissed me against the wall. It was like nothing I had ever felt, and I don’t think I could describe it if I tried. Blood rushed to my cheeks and all I knew was that I would always need her. She brushed the hair out of my face and rested one hand on the side of my neck, the other resting on my waist, our bodies fitting together like a puzzle piece. Nothing could've come in between us. That was until a counselor walked in. Viv had kept the spark in her eyes bright, no matter what the events of the days had held, but after we were found all color drained from her face and she had stopped smiling as much. I had gone a week without seeing her, and when she was released back into the bunk rooms, she found me and murmured, “What if us going to hell is real?” I swear, at that moment, my blood felt poisoned, and my skin was lit on fire. I wanted to vomit and hold her close at the same time. Both would result in punishment, so I held it in and said what I could, even if it was nothing compared to what I wanted. To what I needed. “Don't speak like that. It'll be okay, I’m here.” She nodded her head but didn't look up at me. I felt like screaming at someone, like punching someone until they bled. More than anything, I wanted to promise as long as I was here nobody could hurt her, but I knew I couldn’t promise her that. Not here. Not now. * She never gained her full spark back after that. The sound of palms pounding on tables and counselors chanting made her jump each time and slam her eyes shut. For a while, she never went further than laying her hand on my arm. Every night, after our sessions, I saw her hiding the violet bruises on her wrists under her sleeves. I swear I could see her red hair turning dimmer, her green eyes turning gray. The rings and bracelets slowly disappeared. For weeks, the counselors would watch us through the window in the bunk room, in the hallway, in the cafeteria, sometimes I even felt them watching us while we slept. The other girls would avoid Viv, the rare few asking me if she was okay. I knew she was not, but I couldn't betray her and tell them that. But I have a feeling they already knew. In hindsight, it was obvious. She lasted like that for 3 months. On day 142, she looked at me, and some of the stars in her eyes were back, and the longer I looked, the stronger they shined. She told me that she couldn't afford to be scared, that her love for me was stronger than her fear. I told her, “I love you like breathing.” She pulled me to her and whispered into the crook of my neck, “I love you more than life itself.” We were once again inseparable, though now more secretive. The other girls smiled at us again, but now they would also run to us to tell us when the counselors were coming. We counted on them, and they counted on us. We built our own family. Still, I should've known something was wrong when the footsteps down the hall weren't light and airy, but thunderous, and large. But Viv, running her fingers down my spine and her head resting on my shoulder, kept me occupied. When the counselor found us this time, I finally saw it myself. They finally touched the deepest parts of her; they reached into her soul and ripped her heart apart. * On day 185 when I saw her again, the circles under her eyes were black and the scratches on her face were scarring. “We can't do this anymore,” she whispered, almost inaudibly. “Do what?” “Us. I… I can't go to hell.” “Did we ever stand a chance?” I mumbled, my voice cracking “We did once.” And that's the day my soul broke. * It's been 28 years since I last saw Viv, and 3 days ago I received a letter from her. It read: Hey, Aster. That name is still beautiful. I bet you’re still beautiful. I wanted you to know I saved myself and turned to religion, and I hope you were able to do the same. I'm married now, to my wonderful husband, Finn. I still think about you every day, though. I think you should know that, too I hope you are happy and have found someone. -Viv Then today, I received a call from this so-called Finn. Viv hung herself this morning. He wanted me to know that in her note she wrote, I guess I still love you more than life. And that she attached my number. Which means she never forgot it. If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the human mind is the scariest thing of all. It connects you to other people, just to have you torn away from those same people, all because someone says or does something to you. And those actions make your mind reject the connection. The only thing that holds you back is yourself and your mind, but that is rarely your own fault. I got to love Viv for less than 200 days, and now, I will be missing her forever. All because of something someone did to her. All because her mind held her back. And for that, I will never forgive the people who turned her bright soul into someone who was always afraid. I will never forgive some of the girls who avoided her when she needed someone the most. I will never forgive myself for not doing more. I will never forgive Finn for not noticing how unhappy she was. The only person who I cannot make myself blame, is Viv. Nothing that happened was her fault, and it never will be. Our love, no matter how short it was, is forever engrained in my soul. It is the law I will live by today, and for the rest of my existence. I will carry her with me in every step I take. She is my God.