LIFELINE 26A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

By Prapti Patel

Good evening, passengers. This is your captain speaking. I want to welcome everyone to Lifeline 26A. We are currently cruising at a high of 33,000 feelings at a brain speed of 400 thoughts per second. The time right now is 2:00 am. Weather at our destination: with oxytocin release on our side, overcast, with a 90% chance of crying in the shower. We recommend lowering your expectations accordingly.

We are currently facing a turbulent landing. If the heart cooperates, we should experience a great doom of realization as we descend.

In the event of an emergency, please note that your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device if this breakdown veers into a grief response. We have noted this is increasingly likely. The crew has been trained to handle turbulence, crying, and the specific silence that follows a conversation that did not go the way you planned.

The exits are located — well, the exits. We've been looking for those, too.

Please turn off all personal electronic devices, including laptops and cell phones. Drunk dialing is prohibited for the duration of the turbulence.

We will be dimming the cabin lights shortly, for fuel efficiency, and partly because some things are easier to feel in the dark.

This is your captain.

Thank you for flying.

Please remain seated until the breakdown comes to a complete stop.

Thank you for choosing Lifelines.